Last night my roommate [Adam Gobeski] and I were channel surfing when I came to a startling revelation, an idea so revolutionary that it may change the face of civilization as we know it. Unfortunately, it's a little above your head, so here's an article I wrote specifically with you in mind.

The Future of Television

by Charlie Wallace

Let's face it, T.V. is crap. Don't agree? Well here's a simple test to see that I'm right:

• 1. Think of a show you like.
• 2. Now, realize that I think that show sucks.

The rest of the proof is obvious and follows from the fact that I'm infallable.

Q.E.D.

Now, as any avid reader of my site knows, I'm not one to just sit on my ass and complain. I consider my mind an inexhaustable natural resource, so I like to give out my ideas free of charge occasionally. I think you'll agree that these shows are the wave of the future. Behold, the line-up that will change T.V. as you know it!

Wolfula

Premise: Wes is about your average ordinary guy. Then one night, while drunk, he gets bitten by a vampire, then mauled by a werewolf. Now he's a super-human being who can only be killed by incineration! But will it hurt his chances with the ladies? What's a single twenty-something in New York to do?

Wes has all the benefits of being a vampire and a werewolf, but none of the weaknesses! There will be a lot of dog jokes, like someone sarcastically suggesting he go get neutered or sniff some other werewolf's ass. Then Wes eats them.

Pilot: Wes accidentally forgets that he's invited his vampire friends over to dinner the SAME NIGHT he's slated to host the Tri-county Werewolf Association slumber party! He'd cancel the dinner, but his boss is coming and Wes is due for a promotion. And guess what? Vampires and werewolves are mortal enemies! How will Wes get out of this "hairy" situation?

11:00 News and High Speed Chases!

Premise: Most people don't have the attention span for current events and relevant information, so every 10 seconds or so, we cut to a high speed chase!

The formula is so easy. Local news, then ten car pile-up. World news, celebrity car chase. Children's art work, car driving off cliff and exploding in midair. During sweeps week, the entire broadcast would be done from a news van IN an actual high-speed chase.

Note: Anchors may need to be replaced often due to imprisonment or death.

Catch Phrase: "Ooh, that's gotta hurt. Now here's Jimmy with the weather!"

CSI: Terre Haute

Premise: With the smashing success of CSI: Miami, this one can't miss! Crimes can be investigated at such historical landmarks as the home of Socialist presidential candidate Eugene V. Debs or the Allen Memorial Planetarium at Terre Haute South High School! Sure, the crimes might not always be MURDER, per se, but even the mid-West could use crack investigative teams and high-tech gadgets.

Pilot: Tragedy strikes at Bogey's Family Fun Center, just off I-70 west of the Wabash Valley Fairgrounds! Someone has keyed Mayor Judy Anderson's car! Is it a jealous ex-lover? A rebellious high-school student? Mr. Sprinkles, the organ-grinder's monkey? Can forensic science save the day as always? Rated M for gratuitous sexual tension and ridiculous plot twists.

Catch Phrase: "Sometimes this job gets to me, but whenever I see a monkey put behind bars, I know it's all worthwhile."

Super Reality X-treme!

Premise: This one's a fantastic new reality show. First, we give away a million dollars to some random, but attractive, woman. Then, once she's spent it all, we tell her it's a joke and she has to give the money back. We get a bunch of fake creditors to knock on her door and threaten her life and those of her family. Then we tell her that in order to get the money, she has to marry an eccentric billionaire. Of course, the billionaire is in on it too. We have him hint that he lost his previous wife in a poker game. At some point she gets stranded in the desert or something. The show keeps going like this until the woman ends up in a mental institution. Then we give her $2000, for being such a good sport.

Pilot: Special billionaire guest star: Rupert Murdoch!

The Adventures of Young Charles Nelson Reilly

I think this one just pitches itself, don't you?

If you'd like to see these shows aired, please contact any major broadcasting network and let them know that you support Charlie Wallace Approved Programming (CWAP). And, as always, personal donations are accepted as well.