Billy's Inpirational Dream

by Adam Gobeski

Once upon a time there was a little man named, uh, Billy. Billy had a dream: to be the first person to hurdle the moon. He'd heard that some cow had done it before, but that so far no actual human being had accomplished this feat. Did I mention that Billy was a little dim?

So anyway, Billy was training and training and training, up to the point where he could leap small buildings in a single bound. Frankly, his parents were impressed and called the Guinness Book of World Records, but the fame and prestige this brought Billy did not distract him from his goal.

"Gravity be damned," he said to his detractors.

This brought Billy, and the narrator, up short. Here was a story possibility that hadn't occurred to either of them. Billy waited patiently while the narrator checked to make sure that turning off the law of gravity was allowed.

"Yep," the narrator eventually replied. "I did some extensive research, and many Looney Tunes characters frequently ignore gravity, so go to it."

"Hey," replied Billy, "how come you get to watch cartoons? Maybe I want to watch cartoons too!"

"Who's writing this story: you or me?" the narrator replied.

"Sorry, sir," Billy said meekly, and got on with his work.

Billy cleared his mind, which wasn't too difficult. Then he summoned all his energy and, with one giant surge, yelled, "Gravity, I damn you!!"

"That's not quite what I meant," the narrator started to say, but his words were swallowed up by the maelstrom that appeared. With a mighty roar, everything started to stick randomly to each other, with accompanying flames.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I am Satan, Prince of Darkness, and I have come to rule you all!!" Satan said with a flourish.

"Oops," said Billy.

"Great, now Satan's in control," the narrator said. "Any other great ideas, Billy?"

"You're the one who said I was dim," Billy responded.

"And you, puny mortal, do you have anything to say?" Satan said to Billy.

"Actually, yeah. How do I jump over the moon?" Billy asked.

"That's easy," Satan said. "If you can't get to the moon, bring the moon to you."

"Of course!" Billy exclaimed. "Why didn't I think of that? Satan, bring the moon down here right now!"

"Sorry, man," Satan replied, "but I don't do requests."

"You helped Dubya defeat Al Gore," Billy pointed out.

"Yeah, but that's just helping family. That's different."

"Less political commentaries, more action!" the narrator yelled.

"Sorry," Satan and Billy replied in unison.

"Satan, give Billy the moon," the narrator ordered.

"Ok," Satan said grumpily. He flicked his hand and the moon came crashing down to earth. Billy, now ecstatic, clung to the moon.

"Hey, no bad puns!" Billy said.

"Sorry," the narrator said.

Billy leaped over the moon over and over. He'd finally done it. He'd jumped over the moon. Of course, he'd also doomed the human race by having a freaking huge rock slam into it.

"Bummer," said Dr. G, who walked through to remind readers that he was still around somewhere.

Thus, everyone on the earth died a horrible, painful death, with lots of screaming and gnashing of teeth.

And so the moral of the story is: don't let dumb people be the subject of stories. The end.